Statistics show the presence of a father or father figure in a child’s life has far-reaching impact.
In 2011, 12 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 44 percent of children in mother-only families, according to the NFI.
Father-absent households also significantly increase the odds of not only incarceration for youths in those households, but can create other problems such as drug and alcohol abuse, childhood obesity and struggling with education, NFI officials said. There are 2.7 million children with a parent in prison or jail and 92 percent of parents in prison are fathers, NFI statistics show.
Fest Cotton Jr., 45, of Middletown, said he knows the importance of spending time with his three children, ages 25, 24 and 12, and also does something else his own father did for him: offer guidance and support.
He relishes the active role he plays in 12-year-old son Taylor’s life, taking him to football, soccer, tennis and wrestling practice and tournaments, as well as Tae Kwon Do lessons.
Cotton said adults should be there for any child, not only their own. Those who do not put the time into fatherhood are missing out on something at the core of their very essence, he said.
“It takes a man to admit that he has a child and that child is a part of him,” he said. “My child is a part of me. I don’t want to see him or any other child fail.”
Cotton said that’s one of the reasons why he volunteers time to coach football and wrestling.
“It’s not just my child,” he said. “We need to help everyone, especially ones who don’t have a father.”
. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 24 million children live in homes where there biological father is absent, according to the National Fatherhood Initiative.
There also are economic aftershocks families suffer because of a lack of a father. Of the 11 million children living in poverty, just over half live in homes with no father present. In addition, children living in single-parent families are nearly five times as likely to be poor as children living in married-couple families.
But being there for a boy and girl means more than just being present and hanging out, Cotton said. It means teaching and advising and learning from that child, as well.
“I’m learning stuff from my little boy that I didn’t learn from my other son, but every child is different,” he said. “They bloom like flowers and every one is a different shade, a different color. When they bloom, it’s a beautiful thing to see.
“If any man doesn’t want to stay at home and watch that, they’re missing out on everything. That’s the most beautiful thing in the world, to see that child grow up.”
Cotton’s son Taylor entered him in a “My Dad Rocks” contest in Middletown, which recognizes and honors outstanding fathers and father figures in Middletown by having local youth of all ages describe that person via an essay or art project.
Celeste Davis, director of 3 R Development Inc., one of the contest’s sponsors, said the most common sentiment expressed by children about the importance of their father or father figures during the contest could be summed up in four words: “spend time with me.”
“The time that you spend pouring into your children, no matter what it is … it’s just really important,” Davis said. “Children recognize genuine caring, so it’s not so much the money you spend, as it is the quality of the time that you spend. Too often we think because we are physically present that that is the same thing as spending quality time, and that’s not the case.”
That connection, that ability to discuss life, to answer questions, is crucial to a child’s development.
Being there to spend time with a child isn’t a matter of race or economics, it’s the importance of men pouring their efforts into the lives of young people in the community, Davis said.
“There are things that men have to do for the young men in this community in order for us to help them reach their full potential,” Davis said.
Rev. Michael Bailey, a pastor at Faith United Church in Middletown, helps do that by serving as the linkage coordinator at Middletown High School, where he counsels what he called “at-risk” students.
“I could tell you, I don’t know how many times at the high school where young girls and young boys would say, ‘You’re like a father to me. Thank you. I don’t have a father in my home,’” Bailey said.
Fatherhood, or being a father figure, is all about relationships, Bailey said, but sometimes a father may be missing for a variety of reasons, including death, divorce, separation, incarceration or homelessness.
“It can be a child lacks instruction,” he said. “That’s where the old African proverb ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ comes in … where those individuals within the village, whether its the schools, churches or the community-at-large help raise the child. There’s a spiritual component to say that we ought to be a father to the fatherless.”
That means mentoring local boys and girls and trying to help them come to grips with why their father is absent.
By nurturing and developing what the father would have been developing, it helps children understand they can be successful, live out their dreams and be whatever they want to be, Bailey said.
“Always be willing to offer a message of hope to those who, unfortunately, don’t necessarily have a father figure in their life,” Bailey said. “That’s what people should be doing as a part of humanity, and not casting stones at those who are not there for their children or the fatherless themselves.”
Elizabeth Lolli, senior director of curriculum & instruction at Middletown City Schools, said the majority of parents who turned out for Parenting Partners training held June 8 and 9 were mothers, but five fathers also showed up.
“That was very exciting for us to see the dads who are going to participate in the training program,” Lolli said. “It’s important for both parents to be involved in their child’s education.”
It’s especially important for parents to share responsibility and for a father to take an active role, she said.
“Having been a mom myself, I know that some things my husband taught our sons, I could not have taught them in the same manner because he had different experiences than I did growing up,” Lolli said.
For Aaron Lamont “Monte” Mays, 42, of Monroe, becoming a better father started during his first incarceration, when his then 4-year-old son asked him over the phone “Daddy, are you still at the police? When are you coming home?”
“Those things eat you up as a person,” Mays said.
Mays emerged from that experiences and a six month return trip to prison with a stable job, rediscovered spirituality and a new-found understanding of what was important.
“My children had always been a part of my life … but just my mentality had changed and I understood that me being present was more than money could buy them,” he said. “I realized that I was hurting people, and I’ve never ever thought about that. It was always, ‘I need the money for this or I need the money for that.’ It was never about the people.”
But Mays said he’s not that person anymore.
“I know God took that away from me from that moment,” he said. “It was deeper than just about my children, it was about humanity.”
Having his son ask him to career day during high school when he could have asked his mother or stepfather made all the difference in the world to Mays.
“I came and I just thought: ‘This here is what life is all about,’” he said. “He was proud enough of me to have me in front of his peers. I sat there and talked to them about what I did for a living and … it was very touching.”
Daniel Calhoun, 42, of Middletown, said the most important thing about being a father, to him, is spending time with his children, listening to them, teaching them and “finding out what makes them tick.”
Calhoun said he learned those lessons from not only his grandfather but also Moore’s Wrecker Service owner Kenneth Moore, who Calhoun worked for as a youth and provided a great example of what a father should be.
“One thing he said to me that still sticks out ‘til this day is, ‘Nobody’s going to give you anything. You have to get out and work for it,’” Calhoun said. “That made me the hard-working man that I am.”
About the Author
